20090205 Guide Humor

How can you tell that someone's a mountain guide at a party?
No worries, they'll tell you.

How many guides does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one - he holds the bulb in place and lets the world revolve around him.

What do ski guides and surgeons have in common?
They both bury their mistakes.

How can you tell that Jesus of Nazareth must have been a rock guide?
It could be the long hair, the beard, or that he hanged out all the time with the same three single guys. He also always wore the same clothes, was a carpenter in the off-season and had scabs on the back of his hands.

What do you get if you cross a mountain guide with a millionaire?
Something unimaginable.

When would you see a mountain guide at the Ritz?

How do you get a mountain guide off your front doorstep?
Pay him for the pizza already.

An IFMGA guide is leading a client up a challenging climb. Every time the guide gets to a particularly dangerous section, he stops and puts on the same red shirt. The guide climbs pitch after difficult pitch, beautifully.
As they near the top, the client finally asks about the red shirt.
"If I had fallen," says the wise old guide, "this shirt would disguise the blood, and you would not be frightened and loose heart."
"Amazing," thought the client, marveling at this forethought.
The next day, as they neared the summit, a section more difficult than any before loomed above them. The guide started up, but then down-climbed and started rummaging in his pack.
"What are you looking for?" asked the client, "a special piece of gear?"
"Oh no," said the guide, "my brown pants."

photo / dylan taylor

How can you tell that Santa is a mountain guide?
He has a beard, wears the same clothes every day for work, and only works one day a year.

What's the difference between investment bonds and a mountain guide?
The bonds will eventually mature and earn money.

How does a mountain guide end up with a small fortune?
They marry someone with a large one.

What's the difference between a mountain guide and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Two mountain guides meet up at the base of a route and one notices that the other has new ice tools.
"What'd ya pay for those?" he asked.
"Nothing! I was guiding this beautiful woman the other day and at the end of the day she threw down her new tools, stripped off her one piece and said I could have anything I wanted!"
"Oh. Good choice," said the other guide. "Her one piece would never have fit you."

What do you call a guide without a girlfriend?

What's the difference between God and a Mountain Guide?
God doesn't think he's a Mountain Guide.

So I was driving home the other day in my red Subaru and I look out the window. I see this Kiwi mountain guide out in a field doing the deed to this sheep! Disgusting!
I stop, roll down the window and yell to him "Hey! In Canada we shear sheep!"
He looks up at me and without disturbing his rhythm yells back, "Mate, I'm not shearing this sheep with anybody!"

How many mountain guides does it take to Change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb; one get the chair, fix the rope and rigging; and a third to find the client in order to pay for the bulb and the beer.

What do Mountain Guides use for birth control?
Their personalities.

So this mountain guide craters in a climbing accident. Of course for all his sins he goes to Hell.
As he's rappelling down through Hell with the Devil to his appointed station he sees this other guide who he knows that also died soloing a year earlier.  But this fellow is in the arms of a beautiful naked woman!
The guide turns to Satan and asks, "What's up with this, how come this dirtbag has this beautiful woman in his arms?"
The Devil slaps the guide upside the head and says, "That woman's punishment is my concern, not yours."

You know what the difference is between an intelligent mountain guide and a Yeti?
There have been reported sightings of a Yeti.

A client hires a guide for a multi-day rock climbing adventure, but he has one bad day after another.  Wet weather and lack of skill keep him from getting to the top of anything until the last day, when he finally is able to complete a route.
At the end of the last day the guide says, "Great working with you, that will be $1000."
"Man," the client says, "$1000 for one lousy route."
"Yeah," says the guide, "but think how much it would have been if you'd climbed them all."

photo / mark allen

These two mountain guides are talking, and one is complaining bitterly that he can't get women to notice him. "Here," says the other, handing him a cucumber, "put this in your pants."
A few days later the guides meet up again, and the dude is still complaining.
"This thing is making me miserable, and I'm still not getting any women."
The second guide glances down and says, "Why don't you try putting it in front?"

You know what mountain guides and parking spaces have in common?
The best ones are taken and the rest are just handicaps.

A French UIAGM guide dies and meets Saint Peter at the entrance to Heaven.
"Hello Remi," says St. Pete, "are you ready to see your new home in Heaven?"
"Oui," says Remi, "but can I stay away from the American guides here? They're loud, opinionated, and ever since the AMGA joined the UIAGM they have been underfoot far too much my last years on Earth."
"Of course!" says St. Pete, "This is Heaven - we want you to be happy!"
St. Peter takes Remi through the lowlands and into the hills. They pass fields of boulders and incredible limestone walls.  They climb further into a valley guarded by aguilles taller than any in the alps, but still it reminds Remi of his home in Chamonix, and as they near a picturesque village a loud "YAAAAHOOOOOO!!!!" catches their attention. A large man is soloing a difficult-looking arete above the valley.
Remi wonders who the climber is - and since this is heaven - his view suddenly sharpens and he sees that the man is wearing a red Patagonia jacket with an IFMGA patch on one shoulder, and an AMGA patch on the other.
"What is this!" Remi cries, turning to St. Peter. "You promised me that I wouldn't have to deal with American guides ever again!  Is this really Heaven?!"
"Oh, no worries," St. Pete replies, "That's just God. He has always wanted to be an AMGA guide."